I sit here in my home in Montana wondering what is going to happen next.  I moved here to escape a husband so bogged down with alcohol and the misery of having lost just about everything he and I had worked so hard for. I was not what you would call at peace but had just calmed down and thought maybe just this time he would wake up and go to just one of numerous programs or counselors he could go to, but no he would play just one more hand in this game of ours, our marriage and life.  On New Years Day he took my gun and shot himself in the head to finally get rid of the pain only he could feel.  It took 5 days for the neighbors to notice that the friendly guy next door had not been seen and called the police.  They found him on the couch.  I do not know anything else and do not want to know the details...he took the only thing I wanted from him and that is his heart and soul.
See I still loved him and still do...but we had been doing this dance for quite a few years and vodka had always won out.  He was a good man. I feel betrayed and at the same time understand that he could not take it anymore.  He had choices but he did not see them as that.  He saw them almost like a punishment.  He never could tell me why he was so unhappy and when he was sober he was one of the most happy people around.  It was a shock to me and our family for he loved life to the fullest and fought through a war but could not fight against the modern world that had dealt him a bad hand.
So  here I sit typing to set loose those demons that have scarred my soul and pray to God that I wake up tomorrow and wonder......