Memorial Day Weekend....remembering

Is is politically correct to wish someone happy memorial day?   Seems strange to wish someone a good time to remember the lost ones in our lives.  Of course memorial day means to most of our younger group just a extra reason to party. 
All my life we were taught to sure have a great BBQ and maybe a game of vollyball or softball but we were also raised to remember our loved ones that are no longer on this earth.  Somehow alot of Americans have lost that. 
I think we should share what memorial day is and how important it is to alot of Americans.  I still come to tears when I see the American flag waving in the wind.   We must remember what made America great and all the lives that was lost making it great. 
Usuallly I am not a great flag waver but I can still remember seeing the parades when I was younger with the veterans marching down our small town Main Street.  It still gives me the a thrill just thinking about it and how proud I was being an American.   Do not get me wrong I am still proud of being an American but I do not see alot of others feeling the same way.  I lost a lot of friends in Vietnam and feel I lost 2 husbands to it.  My first husband was not the same person  when he came back from his tour.  My last husband took his own life and I think  what he did over there is a large part of what he could not deal with.  So I feel that the day should be remembering how really lucky we are to have our soldiers  taking care of us in the past and now!
So I am feeling sad and a little sorry for myself.  Living in Montana is great but I think Memorial Day is going to be a little tough for me.  I just struggle being alone on  certain days and wonder if I could of done something to make my life a little fuller.  So here I am blogging so I can get that little bit of me out there in the world.....

Hidden treasures.

My daughter called me tonight to chat but I could tell something was on her mind.  I sensed that she was trying to decide if she should tell me or not.  So I asked her what was up and to go ahead and tell me what it was.
She had been unloading my husbands gun safe  as I asked her to so the family could have their rifles that their grandfather and father had owned, but in doing so she found a pouch with my name on it.  Inside was around 30 small diamonds and a ruby and emerald.  Around 2 years ago I had my purse stolen and inside my purse was my wedding ring pinned to the lining. I did not wear it at work because I am a cook so I always left it at home or if I forgot pinned it to the lining of my purse so I would not lose it.
Before we were married my husband had collected all the old gold and diamonds he could find.  My daughter fresh from a divorce gave him the 1 carat solitare stone to use.  He then went to a jeweler in Sacramento and with his help designed me a ring to give to me on our marriage.  He would not let me see until the week before our marriage.  It was beautiful and when it was stolen I was heartbroken.  He had mentioned to me he was working on another one for me but at this period in our marriage I thought he was just talking.
          I get so angry at him for what he did to his self and to all the people who loved him.  
Will I ever be able to get over this?  I do not know.
All I do know is whatever drove him to do this I pray he is finally at peace.
Some days things seem like they are getting back to normal then something someone says, or does reminds me of him........
I want to think I will stop this but somewhere in my heart I do not think so....this is so hard.
Well I need to go calm down and try to sleep again. Tomorrow is a work day and I have to hang on to some kind of routine and of course there is the money thing too.
Well good night and don't let the bed bugs bite.

What I hate about Sunday nights...

Here I sit wondering why I cannot sleep.  I got up early this morning so I could sleep tonight so I would not be sleepy in the morning....it did not work.  I guess when your mind is not tired it really does not matter when your body is just tired.  You need to be exhausted before your body just shuts down your mind so you can sleep.  Sleep has always been a issue with me.  My mom used to tell me even when I was little I did not sleep.  Then when I had a child she loves to sleep....even though she is over 40 now she still loves to sleep.
I have always been jealous of those people who could just go to sleep anywhere.  As I got older I would fall asleep watching TV but then as soon as I get into bed I am wide awake.  I guess TV just bores me....lol.
Anyway I tried just about everything people have told be about....reading just wakes me up..a good book is not to be put down and why waste your time and money  buying a boring book?  TV is a good one but as you have read as soon as it goes off I wake up.  I do not like sleeping aids even the OTC ones seem to linger with me the next day and really do not help me anyway.
I tried thinking only of pleasant thoughts that just seems to give my mind some fuel to figure out how I can relive those moments.  I know you are thinking this woman is a pain in the butt and you are right...but I still have a hard time falling asleep and staying that way.
Well it is after 2am and tomorrow is a work day.  The wind is still blowing the snow outside and the house is moaning a little.  Quite the winter snow going on outside. In my mind a storm is brewing too.
This no sleeping thing I would like to conquer.  I used to think it was because other people where always around either awake and bugging me or snoring so loud I could not sleep but I have come to realize that it is just me that is bugging me.  I need to get a plan in action and go with it.
I know I have had my issues lately but it started a long time before that.  I need to figure out what I want out of my life now.  I am a mother and grandmother but I think they take care of me much more now than I do them.  I have been a wife and now that is done.  I have had numerous jobs.  But nothing seems to fulfill me anymore.  I just can't put my finger on it.
I think I want to do something but when I do it ....it just misses the mark.  I feel like at my age I should know what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I guess before life just carried me along.  I was just on board for the ride and now I feel like I am on the shore while the boat is cruising away.  Getting normal..who am I kidding I just want to get on that damn boat again.
Well hitting the sack again and seeing if that body is sooo tired ; the mind will give me a break.
Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite.

It is snowing and I can't help myself thinking...

I look out the window and it looks beautiful but I know if I go outside it is cold. Maybe I could look at my marriage like that. Looking at other couples it seemed if they had all the answers, but when others looked at my marriage what they saw was disaster. So maybe I should have turned mine inside out....My husband killed himself and I do not know why. Yes he was an alcoholic but he and I had several discussion on happiness. And believe or not we were happy as long as both of us were sober. It is true it was him that needed to be sober because I haven't been drunk in years. After seeing him destroy himself a little at a time I lost my taste for drinking. I do socially drink but it is a very small amount...I just have that picture of him passed out on the couch or floor and all good times go out the window. Anyway back to the happy guy I married and loved. He had a great sense of humor and found most everything in life to have a funny side. I guess that is what we most had in common. Of course the obvious Harleys, books, movies and just having a good time. We spent a lot of time together just him and I just laughing at the TV or movie and especially we loved to people watch. It was one of our favorite things to say to each other "Did you see that guy or girl and what the hell were they doing?" And being the age we both were we had plenty to say about the state of the world. But the most important thing about us was we went thorough a lot of things together...my mother passing on Christmas Eve, his mother passing, his 24 yr. old niece dying of the swine flu and of course his and mine broken bones.  I had a broken ankle , broken hand and had a couple of hand surgeries due to cysts. Due to a motorcycle wreck he broke every bone in his leg in between knee and ankle.  Also during some of his binge drinking he broke his shoulder and fell off the back porch a year ago Christmas Eve.  In the rough times we took care of each other and all it took was one of us reaching out to touch each others hand to know the love was still there just underneath a lot of stuff.  So to all you married people out there even if on the outside your marriage looks like a disaster maybe you should dig and find out why you married each other.
After each drinking binge we would have the stop drinking discussion.  Sometimes a calm talk.  Sometimes not.  But I truly do not think he was unhappy in our marriage, I think he was so unhappy with the world he could not see how to dig himself out of the hell hole he was in.
In my mind I always see him crying as my daughter was driving out of the driveway with me on the way to Montana.  My last ditch attempt to see he had to get help.  I had left him with a lot of choices that he could do. VA programs, Kaiser programs, AA programs.  Made sure people would help him after I moved.  In my mind I thought I could force his hand.  But I was so wrong I do not know if I will ever will be able to think about myself the way I used to.  Everyone says it was not my fault and I do know that.  But I have to live with myself knowing in my heart he was not strong enough to be left.  I fought with myself for years knowing he was not strong enough but I wasn't either. So I have to find in myself what I can live with and go with that.  I have to answer the question for myself.  Did I do the right thing?  I will never know but I do know I had to do it.  Just like you know  you have to do something you do not want to do but have to.   Survival. Plain and simple.  Scars that will heal I hope but never be gone.

How did I get here...

Great question and I am sure all of us have asked ourselves this question many a time.  But have you really ever thought about it seriously?  Of all the twist and turns our lives take everyday what makes us end up at the end of the day where we are? Growing up the youngest of 7 kids in a poor household money was not the issue.  I do not remember ever hearing my parents fight...I know you say oh come on but I swear it is true.  The only fighting going on was us kids...we were always at it.  Nothing horrible but just who was going to be the top dog in whatever we were doing.  We were brought up to do the very best at all times so we were sooooo competitive even with each other it was unbelievable.  I remember even after we were grown up one holiday we were at Mom's house and we were playing UNO.  We were so loud  my mom took the game and threw it away and we were banned from playing any board games at her house for a while.  I think why I am always striving to do things so my parents will be proud of me (both have passed..Dad in 1975 and Mom in 2000) is I still do not believe I am a adult.  I always have been the youngest and the wildest in our family.  But how did I get from young wild thing to old calm boring me?  I am boring I know it,  just like most folks my age we have been there and done that.  Life plays funny tricks on you.  When you are young, you are so busy having fun it wears you out and when you get old you are too tired to do anything...lol
My grandkids are 21 and 19.  When us old folks get together, the kids have to listen to how wild and crazy we were.  I do not think they believe it. You know when you are young you think you are the wildest, craziest person or your friend is. Anyway you think those old guys could not even imagine what a good time is much less have one....time marches on and one day soon they will think about all those stories and think my god my Grams was one crazy chick!!
Sorry I am rambling tonight.  I will get back to the question ..How did I get here?
Life is full of tricks.  I think some people figure it out a lot earlier in life than others.  When people tell me they do not care what people think, I always in my head say they are lying.  Most of my adult life I wanted people to think I did not care.  It was easier to deal with my emotions that way.  I guess I still do that but I am trying not to. I hide from people who want to confront me with myself...make me show them what I am really like.  I think that is why I had 5 husbands and I can't even remember all the boyfriends I had.  It was just easier to cut your losses and hit the road.  Start fresh, that way you hide from yourself and your insecurities better.  I always wanted to be the prettiest girl.  I am not the prettiest but not the ugliest either.  I am not the smartest but not the dumbest.  See where I am going with this....I came from a family of over achievers and I am just average.  I said it.  My life was always a roller coaster ride because I did not want to be average.  I wanted to be remembered as something very special.  Well as most of you are saying everyone is special in their own way, blah, blah, blah....   Special my ass.  I was a pain in the ass.  Still am but working on it.
I think being average is maybe something that sounds boring but has it advantages.  Working toward that normal thing....good night and do not let the bed bugs bite.

Late night thoughts

Here I sit thinking I have to get up at 5am and I have been to bed twice and still no sleep.  I wonder how many people really can't sleep or just say they can't...lol.  I am weird...thoughts that are not linked whatsoever swim around in my head like in Wizard of Oz tornado.  I am dead tired, first day back at work after the horrible last couple of weeks and I am pooped, but my mind isn't.  I keep on doing the what if game....I know everyone does it but do they do it all the time like I do?  I think that is why I am so different than when I was a young woman.  I am morbidly attached to the past.  I keep having to remind myself to look to the future, but when you are almost 60 there is a lot of past and not so much future.  I do not mean no future because if I have anything to do with it I want to be a great, great, great grandma...alive!   Anyway I was talking with a couple of friends of my on the phone and I could not get over the fact the conversations were so different..I mean both of been friends of mine for a long time and know me very well but yet when I talk to them it is a totally different conversation with each of them.  One is pretty self-centered and the conversation was pretty much about how my situation is affecting her...I just can't get over the fact that my husband killing himself as made her life different...she is talking about death as if it is just around the corner.  And yes I am aware we do not know when it is coming but she creeped me out!!!  Now my other friend was sharing thoughts and her life with me and we had a good couple of laughs..why can't more people see the humor in life?  It is everywhere.
As my momma used to say to us kids..someone else somewhere is a lot worse off than you are...and boy was she right.  I do know one thing: the most important things in my life I got right...family and friends.  Even the irritating ones are precious to me.  Well I am going to go in there and try to sleep again..I hope someone reads this thing..I think. One likes to think someone is interested in what makes you tick.  Including myself.  Good Night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

Sunday morning

The sunshine is shining it is a wonderful 20something degrees...in Sidney, Mt. that is a heat wave for January. The snow is melting so the ground is slippery for at night it freezes. I feel as if I am in a time warp and all around no one can see me and I am a time traveler. I act normal(?) but inside I am still that scared little girl you used to run into my parents room in the middle of the night to get into bed with them because of the bogey man. What I know now that I did not then is the bogey man is your own mind realizing that you are it. Other people can wrap you in love and make you secure but until you feel secure with your own bogey man it is scary....maybe others would say that is your mortal soul talking to you and others say that you need to find god but it all boils down to just you and your own soul I think. Mine has some rips, holes and a lot of scars. God is on my side as he is with everyone but that free will stuff is scary to me. Confused ...so am I just trying to get normal.